‘It seemed like a dark world to me’: one Hong Kong mother tells her story of life after daughter’s suicide
When her daughter took her own life seven years ago, Elaine (using a pseudonym) said it was as if the world around her just stopped.
Her daughter had developed signs of mental illness when she was 18 years old, experiencing hallucinations and becoming worried about being monitored by closed-circuit television in lifts and on computers.
The situation prompted Elaine to quit her job and stay home full time to care for her. But despite all her love and care, her daughter took the devastating step of ending her life, aged 23, in her final year at university in 2009.
In the first six months after her daughter’s death, Elaine simply shut herself off from the outside world.
“It seemed like a dark world to me, as if the world around had stopped,” she said.
“I didn’t see any friends for six months ... and lost my energy.”
It was only after meeting others in similar situations at Suicide Prevention Services that she found some solace.
“It felt really good to share something difficult and understand each other,” she said.
Her family was also a source of comfort.
But Elaine said she still grappled with her loss and with perceptions held in the community about suicide. She said she chose to limit her social circle and was afraid of meeting people.
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During Lunar New Year, for example, she will still only visit her closest family members, rather than the traditional visits to friends as well.
“Families of those who have committed suicide are often seen with a negative image,” she said.
“Others think, ‘You did not treat your family member well,’ or, ‘You did not take enough care.’”
She said the assumption that suicidal people were usually alienated from their families was wrong, but also stressed that care and observation of children suspected of having a problem was essential.
“If you have long-standing issues, seek help,” she said.
Elaine urged other parents dealing with the loss of a child to learn how to take good care of themselves, accept care and love from family and friends, and seek professional help from counsellors or social workers.
Still on the road to recovery, Elaine has also taken on new hobbies, such as dancing, travelling and volunteering, to keep negative thoughts at bay.
“After stepping out [of my grief], I found life could be different and there are actually other ways to spend your life, too,” she said.
Her relationship with her husband has also improved as they become aware of the importance of treasuring the people around them.
“My daughter is very important in my life. On the one hand, I have lost one thing, but I have also gained different experiences I hadn’t imagined,” she said.
